How Can I Help? A pondering , a ponderance about a little question that can make a big difference.

Not so long ago I found myself endeared to a TV series called ‘New Amsterdam’. I loved the characters, especially Freema Agyeman, who is in so many great shows. And for a while I loved the story lines, and the way we were put through our paces as viewers, but one of the things that struck me most, and echoes in my mind is the question that the lead character, Dr.Max Goodwin, continually asks, and that is ‘How can I help?”

A fairly innocuous question. How can I help? But I realise, we humans, we don’t ask it enough. I realise that it’s a really important question, important to wellbeing and community. I realise that when someone asks us, it makes a world of difference. It helps us to feel connected, to our people, our colleagues, our community. It helps people feel less isolated and alone, it helps people to feel supported and cared for.

I realised this as I recently went through the ‘love languages’ quiz on the website that accompanies the book, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. A lot of the questions in the quiz involved a choice between a gift or some other love language and the offering of help. I realised as I was faced with the options, that I don’t ask ‘how can I help?’ often enough, and also how much the question means to me.

In that little question is buttoned up so much caring and giving. When we ask the question, we may not always be able to help in the way people need, but without asking we don’t know. And in the asking, the person knows we care. They know we are present, and considering the space or the moment they are in.

That said, there is also the statement ‘I can help’. I think the difference between ‘How can I help’ and ‘I can help’ is immense. It’s also tricky. ‘How can I help? gives agency to the person being asked and people need agency, but sometimes people aren’t good at accepting help. They’ve ‘unlearnt’ the art of community, which is about supporting others, and accepting support from others. So, sometimes, actually stating how you can help ‘I can help with x?’, sometimes it frees people to say, ‘yes please’. Humans are tricky right?

I guess the next question in line is ‘what do you need?’ Another tricky one. It’s so open ended. But I think sometimes we need to open ourselves up to asking the question and hearing the answer. Whether on the day to day of life with your family and loved ones, with a friend who needs help on a project or activity, or is going through a tough time, or even a work colleague. We can often assume we know our people, or a situation well enough to know the answer, but again, that takes agency away and leaves room, not just room but cavernous space, for misunderstanding.

And then there is the answer to these questions and statements, the feedback loop. Maybe we can’t actually do what people need, maybe we can’t help them in the way that they would like, or maybe we can. And we can own that too. ‘I can do that’, or ‘I can’t do that, but I can do x, would that help?” Such simple simple little exchanges can make such a difference.

So, it’s not quite the end of the year, it isn’t new year. But this is something I am going to print on the wall to remind myself…remind myself to ask the question.

How can I help?