I used to laugh more. I used to be more spontaneous. I used to do silly things like hitch-hike and sneak into concerts and festivals like ''Offshore" down at Torquay. I used to go out dancing with girlfriends. I would travel to strange places, without a worry, make instant friends with travelling strangers, join packs of travellers from backpackers lodges in Edinburgh for a jaunt along the royal mile. I'd find myself in pubs with the jostle of faces, famous and not so famous, or locals and ring'ins, and blokes singing songs to the woman of the moment.
I have always been accused of being too serious. Of being to earnest. And too caught up in the sadness of the world. But, I swear I used to laugh more.
Then at somepoint life changed. And somehow in the ensuing years, I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I have lost that lightness of being. Is that what they call growing up and settling down?? I don't like it. Surely there is a way to be...grown up without being weighed down?
I have moved to this place, this spectacular place, and my life is quieter, gentler, and more abundant, more abundant with good food and nature, with potential. With time with my child, with time for creativity and art. More abundance, and a lot more of the lightness of being I am searching for. I hear the ocean all day long, see the wind, hear the birds, feel the sunshine. I am outdoors more. At the beach more. With more joy in my life. I should feel more lightness.
But still there is this sense of being weighed down. By responsibility. By appearances. By expectation. By remnants of trauma. But old sadness that is hard to shake.
Be a better mother. Worry yourself with development and play and discipline and diet. Be a better wife. Stop nagging. Be supportive. Listen. Save for the future. Be successful. Have a career. Maintain your home. Dress well. Maintain friendships. Be Happy. Be this. Be that.
How? Someone tell me how? How can you be a grown up and be good at all the above stuff....and still have that lightness of being?
My only solution is my art. I find lightheartedness in my art.